I'm A Bad Driver, So BMW Sent Me To Cone College

Automotive journalism can be humbling. You go into it thinking you're a great driver and you know a lot about cars, but over time those illusions get shattered. The car knowledge side of things fades away after the third random conversation about cylinder head bolt tensions on a 1974 Ford Pinto engine. The "I'm a good driver" illusion tends to get shattered much more spectacularly.

For me, the realization came as I stared up at the sky after sending a BMW M2 bum-first into a ditch last year. I was on the skid pan at the company's South Carolina-based testing center and managed to lose it big time. After I was towed out of the crater I'd created, talking to BMW about the driving classes on offer at the BMW performance center, along with Thermal track in California.

They range from fairly basic half-day events, to full day courses, two-day courses, and even a route to a full racing license. So, off I went on BMW's $999 "One Day Car Control School," to see if I could come out of it all with a little more ability behind the wheel.

Classrooms aren't exactly exciting, but they're a fact of life. Even when it comes to things like driving. BMW's day starts at a desk with a presentation: In addition to explaining the schedule, the hour-long morning classroom session outlines the safety side of things, delves into some of the vehicle's features, and even contains a brief physics lecture. These are all important because, if you don't understand what's happening with the car, you may struggle to control it in a pressure situation. The importance of "vision" was also drilled into us, as it would be throughout the day. Basically, look in the direction you want to go and the car should follow.

You could brush up on things like traction control, inertia, ABS, and your vehicle's safety manual before turning up. Or, you could sip on the complimentary coffee and take it all in. At the end of the session, you're paired up with a driving partner and the pairs are split into two groups. 

Outside, a fleet of BMW 3 Series and 2 Series awaited, each with the M-package included, though if you want a full M car you'll need to sign up for the specific "M School" instead. At the wheel of a 3 Series, I started out on the slalom, though the instructors took us through at a slow pace. Cones mark out the key points: in the case of the slalom, a cone placed out wide signified a line you should take to give yourself the best angle of attack. On the way out, there is a blue cone you need to move out to, and a yellow cone on the inside of the corner you're encouraged to almost clip during your turn.

Although it seems easy, BMW's instructors are paying close attention and will weigh in with pointers along the way. Clip a cone, and you'll get a full explanation as to why it happened. Smooth acceleration is encouraged, as opposed to behavior that provokes the stability control; they even pointed out that I looked a little tense, and told me to relax my shoulders more. It's incredibly in-depth, and you can get a lot out of a simple exercise. 

The course isn't just designed to be a few hours of hooning, or to help shave a little off your lap times. It's a strange blend of fun, track-based antics, and practical coaching that could get you out of trouble on a public road. While the time on the skid pan may initially seem like a license to let go of things, it's actually one of the day's most practical sessions.

Underneath it all, the skid pan session is all about causing–and correcting–both oversteer and understeer. In the car with an instructor, you're either encouraged to weave around until it understeers, then correct said understeer, or punch the accelerator and let the back end fly out. If you can catch and correct both a few times, you're encouraged to try and drift. Despite my time in the mud a few months back, I actually did pretty well here. 

The understeer side was pretty simple (aside from once when I let off a little fast and spun out due to lift-off oversteer). I was catching the oversteer most of the time, and the few spin-outs I had were less spectacular than November's. I did manage to drift a little, but I still couldn't do a full lap sideways. The instructor in the passenger's seat was very encouraging, and must have an iron stomach.

After the drifting session came time for something directly practical. We went into the M2s for the "emergency braking" session. Basically you approach a cone corridor at gradually increasing speeds, and slam on the brakes once you pass a marker. The cone path curves at the end, so you may also have to turn while braking. The first pass is at 25 mph, and you work your way up to 45-50 mph.

To add some extra stakes, a cone is placed at the end, in the middle of the track, and you're  told to judge your own braking point and commit to it. No lifting, just 100% pressure. It's particularly difficult to gauge: I stopped well short on the first attempt, and the instructor moved the cones for the second. Adding just a fraction of a second saw me murder the poor rubber wedge in front of me. Still, better that than a pedestrian.

A wise driver snacks lightly at lunch: The afternoon kicks off back on the track, specifically a short and technical course that stacks a slalom, going into a wide curve, followed by a 90-degree turn, an uphill section with a chicane at the top, a fast downhill section, and finally, a wide final corner, which can easily catch you out.

If you're good, you can get around the whole thing in 22 or 23 seconds. It also feels genuinely fast in parts, although you likely max out at around 60 mph. As with the other sessions, cones mark apexes, braking points, and things you should generally aim for, while a slow lap with an instructor helps figure out the nuances. 

Despite all that, there's still potential for mischief. Entering into the final corner a touch hot on one of my later laps, I subsequently added an unscheduled off-roading section to BMW's course: Clean through a cone wall and right off the track. After wrestling the car back onto the asphalt, I promptly spun out. 

In my defense, most of the learning experience is working out where the limits are. I'd definitely just found one. Still, my record of ending up in the mud every time I visit BMW's Greenville Performance Center still stands.

Following your first taste of the "track," you're introduced to emergency lane-changes. As with braking, this session again takes place at increasing speeds: Drive into the cone corridor, whip the car through a gap, then slam on the brakes. I inadvertently added an extra layer of challenge, since my polarized sunglasses rendered the head-up display invisible. Looking down at the speedometer before performing a complex maneuver does increase the difficulty.

Despite some clipped cones on earlier attempts, my 45 mph effort was "spicy, but clean" according to the instructor, which was good enough for me. Again, while it might seem simplistic, this is one of those sessions that could save your life in the real world. The trick with this one is to go wide, make the turn earlier at faster speeds, and add in a brief pause before you straighten out the vehicle. Oh, and take you sunglasses off so you can see your speed on the HUD and where you're headed at the same time. 

With the learning parts over and done with, it's time to take all of that knowledge and use it to demonstrate your superiority over the other attendees. The instructors take you back to a slightly modified handling course for some timed laps, including removing the last corner (yes, the one I went off on) and replacing it with a box you have to bring your vehicle to a stop inside. There's a two-second penalty if you stop outside, so you need to temper your speed on that final downhill section if you don't want to mess up your times. Each cone you hit also adds a further two seconds.

Drivers get two practice laps, followed by six timed laps, with the driver's best overall time on the final six put up against everyone else on the program that day. My first lap was pretty slow, hovering around the 26/27 second mark. I managed to shave this down to 24-ish seconds on the second practice lap.

From there, things were a bit all over the place time-wise. I thought I could cut time by taking the chicane aggressively, which proved a cone-crunchy mistake, and while I did stop in the box every time, that need to brake at the end of the course's fast part threw me off. My best lap was my last one, when I took a breath and calmed down. So, temper that adrenaline.

Finally, there's the "Rat Race," which takes place on an oval set up in a very wet parking lot. You're head to head with another driver, your traction control is off, and you need to complete three to five laps of the oval before they do. Going off track, hitting a cone, or spinning out results in a DNF.

This is where I actually got to show my learning. My strategy was smooth acceleration and gentle cornering in an attempt to keep my back end in check, but I managed to catch every bit of oversteer I encountered. I even held a particularly vigorous whip, and basically drifted around a quarter of the course. Letting muscle memory do its thing as much as possible definitely helped: I won the first round, and narrowly lost a tiebreaker in the semi-finals. Following the race, we got to mess around on the oval for a while, which was a great opportunity to further practice my fledgling drifting skills. This may be my favorite event, it's just pure fun.

Rounding things out is some professional humbling: A "hot lap" which involves piling in a car with an instructor who absolutely thrashes it around the full track. This includes a few turns around the skid pan, and plenty of aggressive cornering.

Racing is a competitive sport, and it wouldn't be a racing school without a few medals and a hypothetical podium afterwards. The day's final two sessions come with awards for the winners. With the handling course, everyone's times are put together and the best three get medals. With the "Rat Race" the winner of each group gets a trophy (of sorts): A stuffed rat with a BMW logo on it, which should be the highlight of anyone's trophy cabinet.

Unfortunately, my lap times weren't good enough for a medal, and I just missed out on the final round of the Rat Race, so all I went home with was a baseball cap and a certificate. However, the competitive element definitely adds something to the whole occasion. My driving partner for the day, Mike, won the Group 1 Rat Race and placed third on the lap times. He was joined on the podium by another Mike and a chap called Salvatore, with all three recording laps in the region of 22 seconds. The loss will, of course, smolder away in my soul for the rest of time, and now I seriously do need to get better. I got thrashed by about two seconds. I feel like a poor man's Héctor Rebaque.

So, am I a fantastic driver now? No, I'm still pretty terrible when compared to actual, decent drivers. But I'm a lot better than I was, and I believe I've taken a lot away from my day at the performance center. My drifting ability has improved significantly, so much so that I doubt I'll be dropping an M2 in a ditch again.

Could I have snagged that stuffed rat if I'd had more confidence in my abilities, and got the hammer down instead of trying diligently to avoid skids of any kind? If I took a breath and tempered my adrenaline a little, my track session would've been a lot cleaner. I should've also pushed it a little harder during the slalom, and followed a different line on that first curve. 

The fact I'm still thinking about best strategy, and that I'd jump at the chance to go again tomorrow, says a lot about BMW's course itself. If you have the funds, a couple of spare days, and can get to South Carolina, you shouldn't really hesitate. It's one of those rare events which is not only fantastic fun, but might even save your life one day.